The Power of Negative Thinking

I had decided on starting a cult. There was a solid 20—25 minute period when I was pretty set and comfortable with the decision.

However, I quickly realized that this project, however helpful and profitable it might be, would require significant effort on my part. And since my tolerance for effort ends just slightly beyond the typing that I am doing right now, it made the whole project less desirable. Also, I did a little checking and determined that cults are virtually identical to religions. I realized that the difference between a cult and a religion is only their relative size and social stature. It can best be described in a single joke for which I take credit, but quite possibly read somewhere.

1 believer is a mental patient.

100 believers is a cult.

1,000,000+ believers is a religion (or Jet’s fans).

Look, I’m not above lying, stealing, and making shit up in an effort to make a few bucks. I don’t even mind so much if grown-ups get hustled, disillusioned, and permanently disoriented in the process. But the idea of being associated with the horrifying abomination that is organized religion was just a bridge too far.

So my cult, sadly, went by the wayside.

But that doesn’t mean that I can’t annoy people with the concept, albeit for free. Here is the thing. Untold millions of books have been sold, and untold millions of dollars have been made by people selling a philosophy that boils down to Cheer Up. Starting with The Power of Positive Thinking, to The Gift, and The 7 Habits of Highly Cheery Repulsive People. The professional look at the bright side people have done very well. And it has worked very well. For them. Selling books and making money. It worked. This Silver Lining shit has made many of them rich and famous. Are they happy? You would have to ask them. Are they (the authors) good, upstanding, and not at all scammy folks? I would expect that they are probably about as mixed a bag as the rest of us.

I know of nobody personally that has succeeded or had firmer, longer lasting erections as the result of reading any of those books. That of course, means exactly nothing. For all I know millions of people are living better, richer, and surprisingly erect lives as the result of these books and religions. Did I say religions? I meant philosophies, yes, definitely philosophies. Certainly not religion. They are a wonderful, almost completely fat-free subset of philosophies.

But just on the very, very off chance that you have read these books and they have somehow failed to provide wealth, happiness, and a greener, healthier lawn, I would like to offer my own modest philosophy. Welcome to . . .

BARLOW: THE POWER OF NEGATIVE THINKING

And yes, barlow is just a not so clever way of saying low bar, as in saying to set a low bar of expectations. Before I get into it. The very first thing that is required is honesty.

I need you to acknowledge what you already know:

Life is an improbable shitshow of constant difficulty and need. Need is really the keyword here because humans have an entire set of genuine needs that are absolute and must at all times be satisfied. A small random sampling of needs would include breathing, drinking (at least water), shitting, pissing, eating, windsurfing and shelter. For the most part these are things you need to simply not die. Yet there are many things on that casually incomplete list that are not guaranteed and cannot be taken for granted. Lest you be considered one of those wretched people who thinks, “the world owes them a living”.

Then you have a rather large bucket of things that fall somewhere on a spectrum of need to want. It might take some time to fully list them so I’ll go with a representative sampling that includes internet service, clothing, Pop-Tarts, education, and at least one of George Harrison’s solo albums.

By the way, you are supposed to do and have these things all while having an unreliable set of senses and physical abilities, and are locked in an appallingly fragile bag of meat that is starting to break down in sometimes spectacular fashion almost at the moment you slide out of another, just as fragile bag of meat.

What’s worse, if you even slightly acknowledge this ridiculously shitty deal you are labeled as ungrateful, negative, chronically depressed, and Chipotle will almost certainly get your order wrong.

The answers from our cheery authors tell you that if you think positively enough you will get everything I listed above plus a new car, good looking children, a decent place to live and a second-round draft pick. If you listen to them you need to only expect it, ask for it, imagine it, and give them (the author) some money fame, and respect.

I’m here to give you a different way to look at it and you don’t have to give me shit. In fact, I would rather you didn’t give me shit. But if you feel strongly about it I wouldn’t mind if you read my book Why the Fuck Not?, which should be available in about a month. It’s meant to save the world. Maybe not.

Ok, so back to LOWBAR. It’s just like it says. Set the bar, and your expectations, appropriately low. “Appropriately” in this context means low. Really fucken low. Why, because it reflects the reality of life. Most things and many people are absurdly fucked up. They always have been and always will be. We exist in the smallest and most unlikely sliver of probability. The whole of life is simultaneously impossible, hideously ugly, and shockingly beautiful all at the same time.

In the macro, our existence is so improbable and tenuous that it can and should inspire some sort of existential and spiritual deference. In the micro, it’s unbelievable that any of us are alive at all. Even after considering the weirdness of gravity and water and the peculiar oddity of our distance to the sun. Conditions somehow exist that make it possible for us to exist. But only barely.

The list of things that can go wrong with us physically and mentally is so long that I don’t understand how anyone is alive. There are 1700 forms of cancer for fuck sake. And they almost certainly discovered a few more just since I started writing this sentence. Danger, illness, and fucken ticks with Lyme's disease are around every corner and under every bed. The world is trying to kill us in a gazillion different ways every day. Not just you personally, no, the planet’s trying to get rid of all of us.

If I spent my time trying to think of all the different ways I could be rendered dead or worse, I would have to live 273 years. Even then if I was doing it alphabetically I would still only be up to “tsunami”.

The point I am trying to make, if indeed there is one, is this. If you are reading this right now it is nothing short of a bizarrely unlikely miracle. And not just because you went through over 1000 words of this crazy just to get here. No, it’s because the deck of existence is almost impossibly stacked against, you, me, all of us.

Despite what you are reading you can consider yourself profoundly and amazingly lucky. Just for being here. Just to be able to read and comprehend this gibberish. You beat truly astronomical odds just to exist. We are all truly playing with house money.

You have every fucken right to be proud of just being here and doing whatever you are doing. I’m going to give that statement one caveat. Try not to hurt anyone along the way. As you’ve seen, everybody’s shit is already more than sufficiently fucked up. Don’t make the stay harder for anyone if you can help it.

So here is where LOWBAR comes in. If you are sitting somewhere safe reading this—if you are not in physical or psychological pain or discomfort at this moment—then you are currently experiencing the absolute pinnacle of human existence. The bar really is that low my friends. If you want it to be. There can and should be the most sublime pleasure in every moment that you are ok.

Alright smart ass, if you are anything like me you may have just thought that you could also be experiencing an orgasm or a pepperoni pizza and that might be better than just being absent of pain, fear, and trauma. And you would be right. But those are external. Every bit as external as tsunamis and ticks. Peace, calm and satisfaction can only be had when they are possible, and when you choose them.

Set the bar low. Take joy in the moments that are simple, baseline and ok. Try to remember how incredibly unlikely both you, and these moments are. And because you have suffered through this entire thing I will wish for you many, many of those moments. And an orgasm or two.

By the way, I know the book is really The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.