ULTIMATE WORLD CRUISE? Is it Time To Go Home Yet?

Some of you might recall that I, along with my partner, went on the first two months of the Royal Caribbean cruise around the world.

The ship (the beautiful but aging Serenade of the Seas) left Miami on December tenth of last year. It was the start of a 274-day cruise that would visit 60 countries, a bunch of continents and an untold number of Souvenir shops. And, lest I forget, several budget conscious opportunities for a hand job. Then, in Amsterdam, some less budget-conscious opportunities for a more complete experience. Sadly, I was not able to avail myself of those opportunities.

We were on it for about 63 days. We got off the ship in Los Angeles on February 10th. Before I forget--when leaving LA, we had several hours to kill. What does one do in LA with some time? Go to In + Out Burger of course. Which was great! Really great! Best ever. (Authors note: people take In + Out very, very seriously. If you say it is anything less than orgasmic, you risk serious physical harm).

Sitting outside the restaurant, we met a couple who were smoking weed. My travel mate, who had now gone weeks without, was beyond grateful when our new friends gifted us several nice size nuggets. This set in motion a slapstick-style scene while we hunted for a head shop, a grinder, a one hitter and a place to smoke. It was fun. We had time to kill and a willing Uber driver. I don't smoke, but it was still a fun quest and a fitting end to that section of the trip.

We had traveled through all of the Caribbean and South America, then across the Drake Passage to Antarctica. All jokes aside, it was incredible. Antarctica is so different as to be almost otherworldly. If we had gone only to Antarctica, I would not have felt cheated. Not that there weren't a bunch of other wonders along the way. But Antarctica was truly the star of the show. Although I should say that viewing the New Year's Eve celebration off the coast of Rio de Janeiro was off the charts incredible.

I know it's difficult to believe, but the ship kept going around the world without us. Before I continue, I should point out that only about 650 people signed up for the whole thing. Which makes sense since it was 9 months and a bare minimum of $60,000.00 per person to do the whole shebang.

There really aren't all that many people who could afford that type of time and money. So lots of people, including us, signed up for legs or sections. We did the first 60 something days. And now we are back aboard for the final 22 days which will end up back in Miami on September 10th. We met the ship in Amsterdam on August 19th after a hilarious flight starting out in Orlando. In Boston, we had to claim and recheck our baggage. The humor came from the predictably awful and late Spirit Airlines flight that not only destroyed a suitcase, but put us in very serious danger of missing the connecting flight. What more can I say about Spirit Airlines that hasn't already been said by millions of cheated, molested, and dispirited Spirit victims? It's not good. Clearly I've been practicing understatement and I believe I'm coming along quite nicely. In fact, it's quite generous to even call Spirit an airline. It's much more of a money grabbing scheme that occasionally transports people after subjecting them to grueling emotional, physical, and financial abuse.

Anyway, we did make it. As I sit here, we are 3 days into our final leg. We will be in Iceland tomorrow. We will see Greenland, Bermuda, Canada, New York City, and Coco Cay before finally ending up back in Miami.

So there are about 600 of the original 9-month cruisers still remaining on the vessel that we haven't seen for 6 months since we left back in February.

Lots of nice people. Lots of people who are over it. A fair chunk of people showing signs of alcohol

abuse. And some that are just downright pissed. Hilariously and gloriously pissed off. One woman explained to us, in wonderful detail, that Royal Caribbean tricked them by allowing commoners (like me) to book sections of the cruise. Which allowed all kinds of riff raff and children to mingle with the “real people” who were able to afford the time and money to book the entire cruise. Here is my favorite part. Not just because it achieves peak bourgeoisie douche. Because it's hilarious in a way that even a poor person like myself can comprehend. You see, allowing poor people on the Serenade was an example of Royal Caribbean's “evil twirlings”. Yes, “evil twirlings”. I couldn't make that up. It's too good. I'm not sure what other “Evil Twirlings” Royal Caribbean imposed on her. And I couldn't hang out long enough to find out without directly laughing in her face and twirling in evil fashion.

So let's be clear. RCCL is a huge corporate conglomerate and as such almost must engage in some “evil twirlings” of some kind. But they have done their best on this cruise. Perfect? Of course not. And long cruises are really not what they do. So, I applaud the effort.

I said six months ago that part of the issue was philosophical. Are they running one 274-day cruise? Or is it about forty 7 day cruises? It matters a lot. The food repeats every 7 days. The entertainment, the shows, the corn holes. Yes, corn holes. I love corn hole. I love saying corn hole.

But juvenile ramblings aside. Corn hole is baggo, a game where you throw a small sack into a little hole 15 feet away or so. They play on board every day.

The point is that cruises were designed to entertain you for a week or so. With trivia, corn hole, food, casinos, shows, etc. If you keep repeating that it will make you bored and crazy enough to go to chiropractor school and hurl chips at roulette dealers. As one man did. Or rant about evil twirlings, as a woman did.

Don't get me wrong. They've done a magnificent job overall. But should they do this again they might want to consider how to schedule food, activities, entertainment and corn hole for the long haul.

You might also remember the class warfare that broke out aboard the ship. With the 9-monthers looking down on the leggers and the Pinnacles (the top loyalty tier) looking down on everyone.

Well, they found something new to douche about. (Yes, I used douche as a verb). The last day before we get back to Miami, we are going to Coco Cay, Royal Caribbean's really cool private island. There will be a huge party to celebrate the end of the around the world cruise. The 9-monthers are lobbying that the party should be only for people who did the whole thing and exclude us commoners. Like me and my partner. Who will have spent a mere 90ish days on this fakokta thing.

That's fine. I can live without it. But imagine being that petty. I'm capable of pettiness. I think we all are at certain times and in certain situations. But come on. Get over yourself. Oh, I almost forgot. The 9-monthers wear a badge. It looks much like the same ones the employees wear. They look so much the same that it's easy to mistake a millionaire 9-monther for an actual useful, working human. I have almost accidentally asked one for directions. Before this journey ends I will find a 9-month badge wearer and ask them to get me a drink, or clear my plate.

Yes, it's juvenile. But how could anyone resist?

They'll be more as we get closer to the end.

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